I’ve been a little off lately… 5


Yes, I know — I’ve been a bit absent from my usual crossdressing sessions, which usually include being online on the webcam. I apologise to all my friends who have been waiting for me to come back online, or at least to answer emails, or, well, to acknowledge their messages… this is perhaps the easiest way to make sure I get in contact with everybody. 🙂

This past week I have been subject to some wild blood pressure fluctuations, which landed me in hospital. Fortunately, they’re not serious — except in my mind! — or I wouldn’t be here typing this. Nevertheless, because crossdressing tends to excite me a lot, and this invariably brings my blood pressure up, I’ve refrained from donning some femme clothing and enjoy myself  — at least, not before I talk to my good doctor and have the assurance from her that there is nothing wrong with me. I seriously suspect it’s all psychosomatic anyway; I’m very prone to that. It could just be a hint I’ve been overextending myself at work (even though I have been increasing the amount of rest lately — which makes the symptoms look all so much more stranger). Or possibly I’ve been worrying or being anxious about something and not even realise that I’m worried or anxious. Whatever it might be, it cannot be much serious, and I hope to be “back in full dress” quickly 🙂

Oh well. But here goes an account of what I’ve been doing in my last few CD sessions, which are not obvious from either the pictures or the videos I’ve been posting since the beginning of 2012.

This has been (literally) the dawn of a new year. As I’ve hinted before (but perhaps not fully written about), my wife has finally thrown away her objections to allowing me to go out during the darkest hours of the night. While it’s hard to convey all the exhilaration of finally being able to escape the confines of my little home, I can at least make a feeble attempt to give a short idea on how it feels.

First of all, I’m — not yet! — fully “free” to do whatever I please. There is a simple rule to observe first: I can only go out when my wife finally falls asleep (but I go out with her permission; she knows I’ll be going for a bit, I don’t need to “sneak” out and break her trust in me). The bad news about that, of course, is that she rarely goes to bed before 3 AM, as I’ve mentioned on the last article — meaning that I’m almost half-asleep myself as well. Scratch that: I’m terribly sleepy by that time, too. And even if she goes to bed at 3 AM, it doesn’t mean I’ll be crossing the threshold of my flat’s door at 3:01 AM: she takes at least half an hour to get asleep properly.

It’s just then when I start doing my “final preparations”, and these take time as well. The most stupid one is using the toilet first — I’m really not very comfortable being out in the middle of nowhere and suddenly having to pee! (I know, little steps…). Then I get my purse (I just own one) and pick a coat. Technically, I just have two coats for going out — one which needs serious fitting (I’ve lost too much weight) and which is appropriate only for the coldest Winter nights, since it’s a faux fur coat. But it’s two sizes too big and needs to be tailored to show off my waist — it has a straight cut. So, although I love it, it makes me look like a fur barrel 🙁 and that is not the kind of image I like to present myself in public. The other coat I’ve got is a white windbreaker. It’s 3/4 long, very likely not really waterproof and relatively light (thus it’s not a trenchcoat), but because it features a nice belt it’s great to show off my waist, even though I think it’s a size too small for my massive “girls” 😉 This is enough for most spring/autumn nights, but not all. So more often than not I tend to borrow a woolen black overcoat from my wife — it’s too large for her (although she still uses it) but fits me rather nicely and even gives me a flattering figure. It’s warm enough for most winter nights and chilly spring/autumn ones.

Then, of course, I need to check and re-check myself once again. This often means giving the unruly hair a touch of the brush, a bit more lipstick, some retouching here and there, a whiff of perfume, and making sure that I haven’t forgotten anything essential in my handbag — no, not only the femme things, but, most importantly, the house and car keys, the driving license, and some money! I’ve also agreed with my wife that I would take my iPhone with me and keep it turned on, so if she suddenly gets anxious about where I am and how I’m faring, she can call me (I also use it to take a few snapshots, of course!). So far, though, she remained deep asleep and untroubled.

With all this I might lose another half an hour. Easily. Sometimes I even have to use the toilet again 🙂 but that’s mostly because I’m nervous, not really because I need it…

Then it’s “going out time”. Some deep breathing, and off I go, still all jittery with the adrenaline rush, while waiting for the elevator to arrive at my floor. A last check — and a smile! — at the mirror inside the elevator, and it’s the street for me. Yes, I don’t own a garage. Or rather, I do, but it’s not in the same building, but a block away… long story, but what that means is that I have to round a corner until I get my car, parked on the street. It’s an old, tiny, battered vehicle — not female-looking at all. The advantage of old cars is that nobody thinks of stealing them, they’re really worthless. The disadvantage, of course, is that the maintenance costs are rather high, since the poor car is falling apart and showing its age…

This is the bit that my wife actually fears most: that a neighbour appears and sees me en femme while I’m walking to the car, my heels sounding incredibly loud on the cobbled sidewalk in the empty street. Well, it’s not as if there are many people around at 4 AM, but — who knows? One of our neighbours is a taxi driver, who often does a night shift. He usually comes home by sunrise, but one day he might come earlier. What would happen then? Another of my neighbours is a hot young redhead, who often comes home late. Well, usually much earlier than 4 AM, but one never knows when she might come in later. There are also a few young adults living on another apartment — I don’t remember their faces, and they probably don’t remember mine, but sometimes, specially during the warm summer nights, they stay up late in the balcony, where they have an excellent view. Once or twice I came relatively close to discovery, but it was still pretty safe — I had a good head start!

Most crossdresser friends I know who go out semi-regularly have a completely different routine. Some don’t go out on their own, they just go out with friends. They can usually be split among three types:

  1. Living in their own house. This is usually in a quiet neighbourhood. Even if it isn’t, their cars are in a garage that either connects directly to the main house, or, if they need to walk, they’ll be safely inside the perimeter of a walled/fenced property. So there is no risk of getting seen. Even if some pesky neighbour is awake or notices that someone is walking around the home, it’s too dark for details. Once in their cars, it’s rather impossible to figure out that the driver is crossdressed or not, so they’re safe.
  2. Having a garage in their own buildings. This means that the only moment they’re at risk is when they’re riding the elevator: a neighbour might just pop in. But besides that, once they leave the elevator, they just step inside the car and drive away. There is no risk of being seen while on the street, fumbling for keys or something like that.
  3. Having no garage.What my friends do in this case is to deal with the basics and just wear a huge overcoat, and bring all their extra femme garments in a bag. Then they drive to some place remote first, and change inside the car. Some might use a public toilet for that (I admire them for their nerve!). What fascinates me in those cases is how they can get ready so quickly! I take hours to get dressed and the makeup ready!

I suppose that in wintertime this might be a bit easier. I did some long car trips while fully crossdressed under a large overcoat. It was rather funny entering a roadside café being fully aware that I had large breastforms, a corset and some padding beneath the overcoat, but of course nobody had the slightest idea, and while I kept it close, nobody would notice really. What these CDs do is something pretty much like that: get fully dressed except for the shoes (if you’re using pants — and not skirts or a dress — this should be manageable). Do you nails, but wear gloves until you reach the car. Put the foundation — nobody notices that during the night, even if you get “caught”. If you use a net to tie your hair before wearing a wig, just use some sort of headgear. Some jewelry might be easy to disguise even under an overcoat. So then it’s just a question of putting some lipstick, do the eyes, some blush, put on the wear, change the shoes, drop everything non-female in a bag, and off you go — it might take perhaps 10-15 minutes if you do it right. Before you arrive back home, just do the reverse operation…

Well, I cannot do that so quickly 🙂 Specially when I’m already too nervous and excited… it’s true that I do sometimes “partial crossdressing” when on long trips, but it’s not the same thing.

So, for me, there is always half a minute of excitement and some anxiety as I walk out from my building and enter the car. Then, when driving off, I’m comparatively “safe”. Sure, all my neighbours know my car, but most are asleep, and even the few that aren’t would just recognise the car but not see details on the driver. Just think: how often have you noticed, except on the brightest streets at a semaphore, who is driving the car?

Once I’m a little bit away from home, I relax, and at that moment all my anxiety and nervousness is gone, at least while I’m inside the car. I feel safe. Sure, when stopping at semaphores, people will see me — very few are around at 4 AM anyway, and it’s too dark for details. They’ll just notice a woman driving a car. Guys will often spare an extra moment or two looking at me; I just smile, but usually don’t look back. My smile actually disguises me even more. Some might suspect something’s wrong about my profile, but the semaphore lights don’t stay on red that long. Sure, there might be some stalkers around, but the likelihood is pretty low.

So driving around fully crossdressed is where there is no fear of discovery, no anxiety, no nervousness — I just enjoy it while I can 🙂

Then it’s time to pick a spot for walking around a bit, because, well, until you’ve experienced the thrill of listening to your heels on the ground, and (if you wear dresses or skirts) the different sensation of how even the slightest breeze will tickle your lower body, from heels to waist; how your long hair (if you like long hair!) brushes your face with the slightest caress… well, it’s pointless to describe it. Walking dressed inside your own home is simply just a shadow of what it feels when walking on the street.

The spots I pick are not the same, I tend to vary a bit — I don’t want to get into a routine that might draw undue attention. It’s not too easy to find the “right” spot. I don’t want to be in a completely empty, abandoned space: while it minimises the risk of being seen by anyone I know, it also might be dangerous — our area is in a very low crime zone, but with the ongoing crisis, no place is really safe any more — or put you in delicate circumstances, if by chance a police car stops by and wonders why a lonely woman is on an isolated spot like that. I’m sure that it wouldn’t be easy to explain! So I tend to be careful about the places I choose for walking around: they should be mostly empty, but close to residential areas, so there might be a “plausible” excuse for walking quickly back to my car, as if coming from a visit to friends or something like that. Once I stayed too long at the same place — a residential neighbourhood — having a peaceful smoke sitting on a bench at the bus station (hours after the last bus had made its call, of course), and at some point, some guys inside a building nearby just came to the veranda to watch me. It was rather unusual to see a woman at that time of the night waiting for the bus. But I didn’t lose my self-control; with a smile, I just walked casually back to the car, which was not far away. They certainly watched me with considerable interest, but made no comments.

That’s pretty much my routine these days. As you’ve noticed, it has been increasingly difficult for me to crossdress and go out on Sundays, which used to be “Sandra’s day” — I do too many social calls on Sundays for my taste, and just get back home completely exhausted and not in the mood to dress. So I generally go out on Mondays or Tuesdays, sometimes Thursdays, which are the few days on the week when normally I have some free time. I say “normally” because every week is a surprise and totally unpredictable, and all my best laid out plans tend to fail.

Of course, it also means that it will be hard to go to the next stage: having the courage to go out to a CD-friendly place, with or without friends. Most are long closed. In my youth, most bars and clubs — and even several restaurants — would easily be open until 4 AM. Some might only close at 6 AM. But these days, specially on weekdays, they all close much, much earlier. The only choice is to go to one of the “night areas”, full of bars and clubs, which will be open until very late. This poses a serious problem: there are few places like that in my neighbourhood. It means driving to Lisbon instead.

It’s not a long drive. During the night, using the highway, it might take me 20 minutes or so. The problem is that Lisbon is not as “safe” as my neighbourhood; also, even during the week, specially around 2 AM, there will be lots of people in the street. Well, comparatively speaking, of course: Portugal is not Spain, the country where people don’t sleep 🙂 The issue is that these well-known spots draw all “night owls” together from an area of about 3 1/2 million people, so I have no idea who I might be able to meet! It’s not as if my closest friends are always up at late hours in bars in Lisbon. But you know how it is: friends of younger brothers of friends of friends might be able to recognise me. Some idiot might take a picture of me and publish it on Facebook — “look at the tranny we’ve seen last night on the streets!” — and these days you can reach thousands of people that way. While I could shrug off a blurry, badly taken picture, what about a picture showing the license plate of my car? Now that would be very, very hard to explain to my closest friends!

This has somehow started to worry me a bit. It’s true that I go out so late that the option of walking into a public place is not there — most will be closed, so I won’t feel “tempted”. But my wife is right: the more you do when crossdressed, the more you wish to do. One day I won’t be happy in staying in the car and walking an empty street at 4 or 5 AM — I wish to go in for a drink at a bar and get addressed like a woman (even though it’s far more likely I’d be scorned and laughed at, but that’s another story!). The problem is where to do that safely!

My CD friends in Portugal are starting to go out much more regularly, which is good news. The problem for me, of course, is that they go out on Fridays and Saturdays, like 99.9% of the working population — two days where I’m almost always unable to dress. Very, very rarely I might have a Friday off — once every three or four months. In the past, I have always been unlucky to be very ill that day 🙁 — or something different popped up, and my wife, knowing that very exceptionally that particular Friday was “free”, arranges something for us to do, spoiling all my plans. I still haven’t completely given up hope, however: I think that this year there will be a Friday where the local CD group gangs up and I might be able to join them.

It should be fun, for a change.

  • Erin

    My dearest grilfriend, I sooo worry about your health. First and foremost, take care of yourself. That is the highest priority. I can sooo relate to your comments about the sound of heels, the breeze whisking across my nylons, the hint of curls blowing around my face, mmmm god i love it all soo much as you do. I know that you will get a chance to broaden your horizons, and hopefully soon. Kisses my sweet, i will see you when its "doable" for you my love.

    • I sincerely think that it's far less serious than I believe it is… 😀

      But for now I'm resting a bit, let's see how I'm feeling on Tuesday…

      • Mmh well the doctor says it's probably some stiff neck or some heart issue or just plain, simple, old anxiety 🙂 I have to check each in turn, but it really isn't much to worry about.

        • Erin

          Ok my sweet. I will sooo await your return (as i ALWAYS do). Kisses until then my dearest, sweetest, lovingest, smokiest, tauntiest (if that's even a word lol) girlfriend. Hope to see you soon. Mwuahhhhhh.

  • Hmpf. Actually what I have is that my spinal column is basically a wreck — that comes from the long hours sitting in front of a computer! This mostly means that when I do even the mildest form of exercise, the vertebrae crush the blood vessels inside the spinal column, which results into less blood to the brain. Now those blood vessels are not very "important" — the main ones are, by far, the carotids, which are absolutely fine — but brains tend to be very picky with even the minimal loss of blood pressure and sort of "overreact" even to the tiniest changes. That's what gets me dizzy, and, in extreme cases, makes me faint.

    This situation is not really reversible; I just have to get used to it. It can get improved by strengthening the muscles that support the column. I've already done wonders for the lower bit (lumbar muscles) thanks to my meditation, but I need to work on the upper bit as well, where things are way worse. This means picking up swimming again. The good thing about that is that I always loved swimming 🙂 The bad thing is losing even more precious time, something I hate to do, and also there is some cost involved, which is tricky at this time… but oh well, there is nothing else I can do.

    Wearing a corset is actually not too bad, either 🙂 It helps to strengthen the lumbar muscles even more. Sadly, it also does little for the upper (dorsal) muscles, or I'd be wearing a corset every day… "doctor's orders" 😉