Well, I did it again 🙂 Last Sunday I finally decided I could not remain at home longer without ever having a chance to go out. It was late in the evening — or should I say morning?? — around 5 AM when I finally went out for a short 20-minute drive.
I know, this doesn’t sound too exciting for most of you 🙂 But let me tell you how it felt for me… my s.o. finally fell asleep around 3 or 3:30 AM (she has as crazy sleeping habits as I do!), and she’s usually a sound sleeper. But… I needed to make really, really sure. So I went to grab my trenchcoat (bought in 2007 and never used before!), since, although summer’s approaching, it’s still chilly at this hour of the night and my handbag (which has last been used in December 2008… and bought one year before that, also with little practical use). These were in our room, and I also needed to get the car keys and documents, so I could certify that my s.o. was really asleep…
At that time I was already telling myself, “I’m really going to do this today!”. Suddenly the adrenaline rush hit me in full force. I was shaking all over with excitement, and my legs trembled too much. I had to sit down, smoke a ciggy, calm myself down, go to the bathroom and have a last pee, do a video (yes, the trenchcoat one you see), keep my mind off things until the adrenaline rush washed out… it took some time, though, I was still shaky, and I guess the main reason was if my s.o. woke up and asked me “what do you think you’re doing?” (the next time I’ll get her permission first!) which would, for me, even be worse than getting caught by a neighbour…
I still left her a note. Our flat is tiny and even the most cautious person in the world will do some noise when closing the front door… which I did with the uttermost care, after checking, re-checking, and double-checking I had everything ready. My usual worries are forgetting the car keys or the house keys, which I will need in a hurry (imagine that, as I went down the elevator, some neighbour all of the sudden returned home and I had to get back home quickly! I don’t want to have the keys lost in the bag somewhere). The car documents and the ID, well, those could be at the bottom of the pile. As a good smoker, I made sure all my gadgets were in place and readily accessible (cigarette case, one extra pack, nothing less than three lighters, and three holders, of which I was just expecting to use one). And as a good girl, I also brought a hair brush, my compact powder case (which is the only thing I have with a mirror), lipstick, and extra glue for the nails (in case one of them gets unstuck and assuming I’d find it in the dark of the night; as a backup, I had some very femme gloves with me). And, of course, some perfume — the excitement and the adrenaline rush tend to make me sweat, even in the cold. I think I went through all of these three, four, five times… and then it was time to go!
Since my home flat is so tiny, it’s always a thrill to walk a bit more than usual in my heels. Expecting the worst (still remembering that I broke some heels on my first time out in 1999), I was wearing my very open sandals, which are perhaps some 4″ high, but have a wide heel and not a pointed one; they’re the most comfortable I have, and bought years ago; I also had previously driven wearing them in plain daylight (nobody can see!), so I know they were fine. Very pointed heels are a nightmare in my country, because sidewalks are made of very small cobbled stones, with enough space between them to get a pointed heel stuck. Note that I worried about all this although I was just going to walk some 2 metres to my car, which was parked just in front of our building!!
Nevertheless, the sound of the heels clicking seemed to be heard all the way to Australia in the early morning with no living soul awake. Woo-hoo 🙂
Unlike I expected, I didn’t fumble much with the keys when opening my old car, and it also started quickly (hooray for diesel engines!), and off I was, driving awaaaaay.
Now sadly I didn’t have much gas, and of course I’m still too scared to drive to a gas station and refill (also, I’m quite low on money these days); nothing could be more embarrassing than being stuck without gas, in the middle of the night, fully dressed!! So I decided not to take too long. Also, the sun would be coming up in an hour or so, and we have some neighbours that get up very early to drive to work. So I just did some rounds and crossed perhaps another five or six vehicles and saw three or four people on the street when I came near a train station (one of the first trains of the day had just arrived). One truck driver gave me some looks, but I’m sure it was impossible for him to notice anything.
On the way back, I had a slight misfortune: my regular holder broke the tip 🙁 It’s very old and used quite a lot, and I was expecting it to break any day — just not right now! I had a spare tip at home, but not with me. Alas, more the reason to get back. I still considered getting out of the car at a place near home, walk a bit around, since at this hour nobody was around, but I started to see dawn approaching more quickly than expected (note to self: check when the dawn is up before going out!), and so I gave up and just went back home.
This time, I managed to drop the house keys to the ground before picking them up and entering our building. No neighbours saw me. No major catastrophes happened. My s.o. didn’t wake up. Woo-hoo!
Oh, of course, the two pictures that I managed to take are a mess — that’s the best I can get on my phone’s camera, without lighting, and a lot of Photoshop enhancing. I really mean a lot.
So now starts this phase where I’ll be only thinking of going out next — again and again 🙂
Here would be my “dream plan”:
- Getting out in the middle of the night again, but a bit before dawn, but not too early, or I’ll be sure to bump into neighbours. The Portuguese stay awake very late.
- Pick an isolated spot to walk a bit around, always near my car, have a smoke, get used to feel the wind and open air blowing into my face 🙂
- Be bold, grab my s.o., and drive around with her, which will make things so much easier! (A pity she has no driver’s license, or she’d drive me around)
These are manageable in a foreseeable future. Then comes the next level:
- Since there are no CD/T-girl bars in my country, the best I can hope for is going to a gay bar. There is apparently only one nearby, so I will have to investigate and ask if they’re CD-friendly; CDs and gays are often at odds, sometimes not, and it’s better to ask first than getting into problems.
- Visit a fellow CD online friend en femme. So many have pleaded with me to visit them. I really need to be extra-bold to do so, perhaps first at their homes where I would feel “safer” (no possibility of meeting people besides my online friends!), and then move to a more “public” place.
- Go to a more public place like a shopping mall 🙂 Now that would really be a dream coming true 🙂
Well, we need dreams, they keep us pushing forward to be more and more bold 🙂 But… tiny little steps… one at the time 🙂