Going out again, but… grounded for a few months

This Sunday I was bold again.

It was about 3 AM in the morning and I decided I should go out and drive a bit once more. But this time I decided to ask for my partner’s blessing first!

She was already in bed, and I guess she was so surprised about the “sudden” impulse and request for permission to go out, that she answered “yes”. The only thing she added was that she wouldn’t get out of bed to come with me; I suggested that we’d do it another time.

I was quite excited! You see, for me it would be worse to go out without her permission and worry all the time what her reaction would be if she found out. It would be far, far worse than, say, getting caught by my neighbours — or by the police. She’s also a very anxious person and would worry to insanity levels if she woke up suddenly and not see me around (usually in front of the computer — we live in a tiny flat). So, well, by having her permission, I though everything was going to be fine 🙂

There was the usual pre-going-out stress while I fumbled with my purse to get everything in it — car documents, home and car keys, extra handkerchiefs, tobacco, holders (I broke one the last time I went out!), and naturally, compact power, lipstick, and… some fingernail glue, in case I get one of the nails unstuck (I also kept my gloves as backups — they would look strange in midsummer, but not stranger than missing half the nails!).

Sitting down, lighting a ciggy, and off I went, to explore the dark and empty streets of my neighbourhood :)It was time to go! I hadn’t my car parked right in front of home, so I needed to walk a tiny bit to the corner— over a cobbled sidewalk! Fortunately, I was wearing sandals with a wide heel…

3 AM is perfect for the shy crossdresser. My neighbourhood is really quite harmless, and on a Sunday, there is nobody around, and very few cars driving by — enough to give me the thrill of having people looking at me now and then, but not too many to get me anxious. And I had enough hours before dawn and the early risers, so I wasn’t worried about that either.

I drove much longer — although also quite slower than I usually do, well below the limits — than on the last time. I had planned to walk around a bit, which would be my first time (besides entering and leaving the car, that is) and wanted to find a proper spot for that: sufficiently remote and empty for not to be seen, but also not too remote in case something went seriously wrong! My first location was near some luxury villas and a hotel, quite near the seaside. This is usually a very busy spot during daylight; the neighbourhood is safe, and there would be attendants at the hotel if I had any problems. And, of course, the whole stretch was completely empty, except for some seagulls and the mild roaring of the surf. It was just me and the stars 🙂

I have to say, this was quite exciting and thrilling for me. I just walked across the empty street towards the sea and had a cigarette. The very slight breeze drifting up my dress was tintillating; I think I was grinning madly 🙂 It really was exciting to do a walk outside my cramped place at home — the whole walking experience suddenly took on a new level, which I won’t forget so easily!

I think I just did this a few minutes, though; I didn’t even finish the ciggy and went back to my car. Collecting myself, praying that the motor would run again (who knows, my car is way old… and I’m often unlucky) — which it did — I drove back towards home, just a few kilometres away, very happy about everything so far. I had been driving for over an hour, even if I really didn’t go very far.

Well, I have to say that I couldn’t resist the thrill again. So, very close to home, on a parking lot near a small community market, I stopped once more. Now this is a spot surrounded by apartment buildings (a few of which still having lights), although I didn’t see anyone (even the parking lot was pretty empty). But I felt even bolder than before! Once more I stepped out, and the whole excitement took hold of me. Walking on the street and on the cobbled sidewalk was simply fantastic; in the empty, silent streets, the clicking of the heels sounded surprisingly loud (but oh so exciting!). I lighted up once more and walked around a bit on the relatively dark parking lot.

There still wasn’t any signs of human life, so I became even bolder. The market actually has a few shops with windows, and it was better lighted, so I approached one of the windows, wanting to see my reflection. The first window was simply too dark. There were more windows on the other side of the market, but that meant walking to the well-lighted main street. Would I dare…? Of course! I felt I owned the world by now, so, clickety-clicking the heels, I just walked on, and got more and more excited with the way I moved.

For a moment I thought a car would drive across the main street, but it was just on the other street, and nobody saw me (except, perhaps, for some security cameras in front of the ATM — I never bothered to remember them), so I just made a tour around the market, finally finding a window with enough light to show me a proper reflection. And even though it was not as good as in plain daylight, there came this very strange feeling when seeing my image reflected there: I felt, very honestly, like a whore 🙂 And… it was goooood lol

I laughed inwardly at that, because, even though it’s a silly thought, it was the first one that crossed my mind 🙂

At that moment, I thought that I could stay there for hours and hours and enjoy myself just by walking around and feeling so good about it! 🙂

But I just walked back to where I had left my car, enjoying every step on my heels, and this time I finished smoking first, observing the buildings around me. Were there any people around? Some had nice verandas and open doors to them, but I couldn’t see a living soul. In my imagination, if anyone would come out and see me — a tall woman, all by herself, just walking around and smoking — they would really think I’d be a whore 😉 Smiling, I went back to the car, and drove the short stretch back to home.

My timing was perfect. I was just opening the door when I heard a car stopping just in front of my building, the radio tuned up to be heard on the other side of the world. It was one of my neighbours, returning home! Surprisingly, I didn’t get scared at all. I knew I had my back turned to him, and the lift was at the ground level; I’d be up in no time, well before they could see me. They might have noticed something, of course. As said, I’m really way too tall for the average Portuguese woman, and there is no woman in our neighbourhood that would come even close to my height (although in male attire I’m pretty much average). So, well, I might have given them something to think about — who is the mysterious, dark-haired, gorgeous, tall beauty that just entered this building at half past four in the morning? 🙂 Hehe — only the day after I remembered that they probably figured out my floor when they used the lift after me (!). Then again, one advantage of my own building is that it’s usually half-empty, as most of the neighbours only spend the summer here. So there are always a lot of “new faces”, and a few apartments are actually rented for the summer, too… nothing to worry about 🙂

My s.o. was deep asleep, so I still had a couple of hours of fun on the many webcam chatrooms I usually hang around, did my usual video, and then it was time to pack everything safely away and enjoy a well-deserved sleep! It was one of my most exciting days as Sandra so far 🙂

The next morning I immediately sensed some tension. As said, my s.o. is a very anxious person. She had a panic attack two years ago, and we thought it was a heart attack (and yes, in case you don’t know, the differences are so slight that you actually can die from a panic attack, although nothing is wrong with you physically — your mind is powerful enough to kill you!). Of course she had been under close observation by a psychiatrist and a therapist, she has her medication, and we both do Buddhist meditation under a qualified teacher — so she’s pretty much under control. But I don’t think she will ever be fully “cured”. Some people are natural worriers. The strange thing is that the more she is anxious and worried, the calmer I become (it’s silly to become worried as well; then we would have two worried people, and that’s hardly better than having just one!) — and this gets her furious on top of her anxiety. It always puts me in an uncomfortable position. Since she usually is anxious about financial issues or about clients demanding stupid work from her (at insanely low cost), I thought she had received an email with some silly demand, so I asked her straight out what was wrong.

I was completely on the wrong track this time.

She confessed that while I was sleeping, she mentally reviewed what happened last night. She said I had to “control my impulses” — even though she actually said “yes” and allowed me to go out, after thinking a bit about it, she suddenly realised how many things could have gone wrong. Since I’m always excited and nervous when I’m dressed, she imagined I could have had a car accident. I told her that I did drive way slowly because of that, and that there was no traffic at all. But then she pointed out that a lot of other things could have gone wrong. I could have been stopped by the police — and they’re intolerant to crossdressers. They might arrest me because I would be hard to identify (this might sound stupid, but she can actually be right — although crossdressing is not legally forbidden, I can imagine that a nasty policeman could consider that I’d been hiding under cover of a fake identity to avoid being caught or something). If I had witnessed an accident — or be part of an accident — people would have mis-identified me as a “woman” and I would have been possibly accused of difficulting the police work. I don’t know if she’s right at that; she might have been; I never thought about it before!

Then, of course, there is the question of “getting caught”. She said that shortly after I left, a neighbour also had left — and I told her that the same apparently happened when coming back. Yes, I said, there is always a risk of getting caught. While we’re at a very peaceful spot, the truth is that most neighbours know me by sight. I can’t say “no, this will never happen” because in all truth it could. So she fretted about that.

I just told her that this wasn’t a “sudden impulse”. It has been long planned. In fact, I had told her about going out as early as 2007; so I’ve been patiently waiting since then for her “yes”. Here she just argued that there is no way I could pass as a woman in public. I’m too tall. I have too wide shoulders. She’s right on both accounts. I’d be picked as a “guy in drag” instantly. And she reminded me that crossdressers and transexuals get routinely murdered in our country, which is also true — not in our area, but definitely elsewhere in the country.

Well, I really couldn’t argue against that. I know she’s right. Going out is always a risk. Of course I could argue that I could have had an accident in male clothes too, and that it’s as likely as when wearing a dress — but she reasoned that I’m way more nervous and excited when dressed (which is also true!), so I would make more mistakes… putting it plainly: she was really worried sick about me.

Well… what could I say? I felt very badly for worrying her so much. After all, when she said “yes”, I took it to mean she was fine with me going out for a bit. And when I returned she was deep asleep, so I thought that she was fine (she confessed that she couldn’t immediately fall asleep with her worries, but, eventually, her increasing exhaustion won at the end). So I apologised and told her I wouldn’t go out again unless she specifically told me so.

At this she became a bit calmer, and she admitted to two things. First, that the next time she would go out with me. I was actually quite happy with the idea! It would make things way more interesting to me; I miss her company and her talk when I’m alone (which is very rare!). But I should restrict my going out to a time where nobody would notice — namely, during the yearly Carnival (which the Americans know as Mardi Gras). That’s usually in cold February, and for the past years, there wasalways something that popped up and prevented me to crossdress, much less going out. But… ok, it’s a compromise. I’d stick to it. I told her that, unlike what she thought, I waited for years and years. I kept improving the way I looked and acted and felt comfortable about my feminine image. I’m never happy with the results, but, comparing images from today with some pictures taken, say, in 2005 or so, there are definitely a lot of differences! Sure, I cannot disguise my height or my shoulders. And I know that I won’t pass in broad daylight (except perhaps with large sunglasses). But I don’t look nowhere as bad as I did when she first saw me crossdressing.

So I just told her that going out is also part of it… the gurls meet once in a while to go out together, and some have been inviting me for the past 15 years, and I never joined them. As a matter or fact, there is going to be a meeting on July 3rd, which I will miss… again. In my mind, I was actually planning to do some “walking training”, on Sunday and on Tuesday, before considering to meet them on Saturday… if I could. Clearly, that plan is now off.

Oh well. It means that for all purposes I’m now grounded until February. Oh, of course I will continue to crossdress at home, and have as much fun as I can. But I will have to postpone any plans of becoming bolder and going out, either alone, with my s.o., or other gurls. My insanely optimistic plans of going to more public places are also postponed for a few more years.

But I’m not too unhappy! I’ve learned to deal with my expectations and avoid frustrations. This has been a very long road for me, with so many steps, which I have overcome, one by one. At this moment, I know that deep inside the only thing that prevents me to go out is really my s.o. — and not any inhibitions I might still have inside myself. I feel confident. I’m starting to care less if I’m “caught”; I only worry now if “getting caught” causes grief to others, namely, to my beloved s.o. or, say, to my parents. With friends I can deal easily with a laugh. Sure, I’d go through some bad moments, but I have a good ability to laugh at myself too. Being ridiculous in public and making a fool of myself worries me less and less as I grow older — I give far less importance to these things today.

But of course I could never hurt the feelings of my beloved one or of my parents (who would never understand). So, for now, I shall remain content at home!

  • why grounded? were you a bad girl?

  • Oh, my apologies, boog4me — I mangled that blog post, and it took me some time to recover it 🙂

    But I finished writing it again!

  • Sandra, I have to say you write the most complete blogs of any of my contacts. You are so upfront, with no pretentions. I hope those whom are close to you appreciate whom you are.

    Big Hugg,
    Bobbie Jo

  • Just my significant other, bobbiejo… she’s the only one who knows about my crossdressing 😉

  • I relate to everything you said. I too am closeted because I don’t want to bring grief to my young son (10). I have felt the thrill of early morning walks enfemme. It is the most exhilarating moment in my life! It fells good to know I am not alone, you and I probably share the same feelings of femininity. I am single now cause my ex couldn’t handle it, and I so wish I could meet a female I can open up to, but I’m beginning to think that will never happen.

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