I’ve been regularly crossdressing for about 15 years now. A bit more, to be precise, but I will not count my first years as “regular”: they were very confusing years in terms of admitting to myself that I was a crossdresser. Once I got over that bit, I slowly — very slowly! — resigned to myself that there were three things I could do about it.

The first would be to completely suppress my urges and drive myself to insanity because of that All literature I read about that simply told that this would lead to nowhere, except to deep depression. At that time I was a bit scared about depression — so many people I know wallow deep in depression, and that is completely non-functional: it’s just suffering and suffering and being unable to anything with one’s life. That was certainly not for me.

The second thing would be to go ahead full steam and completely change my life. Of course, 15 years ago it was even more impossible than now. But I had some crazy goals back then. Having finished a relationship (and not yet sure about the upcoming one!), my energy was spent in becoming a millionnaire before I was 30. That’s right, I’m not joking. My idea was simple: I have very few material needs. With a million sitting in the bank, I could live off the income on my savings, and forfeit work forever. I would get a tiny apartment, easy to manage and to clean, in a peaceful neighbourhood away from everybody I knew, and just spend the remaining decades in comfort and no more financial stress.

This would allow me to transition as well, of course. That was part of the plan. Knowing by then how hard (if not impossible!) it is to get a good job as a transgendered person in my country (or even elsewhere!), the only reasonable choice would be to be in a financial position where work would be optional. By then I already spent most of my time telecommuting anyway; my job is based on providing services over the Internet, and, most of the time, I don’t even need to meet my customers “in the flesh”. So I would be able to continue to do those odd jobs now and then, but even if I didn’t got a regular income, I wouldn’t need to worry.

I almost succeeded in my plan. I didn’t become a millionnaire with 30… but with 31. And I still live in the tiny flat I bought (with cash, so as not to depend on any banks!) back then. All seemed to be going according to plan!

Unfortunately, a lot of circumstances changed after that. First, of course, I was unprepared for dealing with so much money. Money attracts creeps: the worst of them are the banks, but how was I supposed to know? Between the hordes of swindlers and creeps who wasted half my money in schemes and plots, and the incompetence and malevolence of the banks who managed to lose everything, after 5 years I was not only penniless, but in huge debt. A debt which I might not be able to pay until the end of my life. So all my plans were shattered.

To make matters worse, computer specialists end their active lives as “hireable” employees around 30 years or so. There are so many computer experts around, and every year the universities spew out a few hundreds of thousands more, that the market is completely saturated. With computers, “experience” matters little. You either get hired as a top executive before you’re 30, or you’re a blot on the landscape — useless and worthless. Of course, the alternative is working on your own (which was what I did before I was 30). Or you might teach — teachers are still respected after they’re 30. But that’s pretty much all there is.

So I had to go back to the third alternative: getting used to the idea that at least for this life, my best-laid plans had utterly failed, and there are no alternatives left except enjoying as much crossdressing as I can and be content with that.

In that regard, I believe I can be termed to be lucky. I have a loving wife who tolerates my crossdressing (so long as I refrain from shopping too much, since we can’t really afford to do so), even though she’s not excited by it. She just understands that there is nothing I can do about it. So we can work it out among ourselves: crossdressing one day per week is acceptable, two is pushing my luck, more than that is out of the question. And everything has to be dealt with patience: seven years until I “came out” to her, seven more years until she (very reluctantly) accepted that I have to go out once in a while as Sandra. I’m only allowed to do so when she’s deep asleep. But I’m fine with that: managing relationships is about setting limits that will make both parties comfortable. It’s like striking a business deal: a good deal is not about how much money you make, but by having both parties happy that each got the best they could from the bargain. Relationships are not much different, at a superficial level: the limit set on what you are allowed to do is what prevents your partner to become unhappy. If both do that to each other, both will live well together.

After 15 years of crossdressing, what have I learned? I have a few images from my early attempts, and some not-so-old videos of myself (long gone from all public sites), and I can be very critical about them. Like many crossdressers, I started with a mix of “drag queen” and “slut” — a completely unrealistic image — and, besides, all was done wrongly. That’s understandable, it’s part of the process. Some CDs will want exactly that image and persist with it — it’s their fantasy, after all. In my case, I still had my old goal in mind: I wanted to be a woman that could “pass”. So that meant paying good attention to how women dress, move, behave, and even talk in public. Observing women, fortunately, is an accepted pastime for males and even though my close friends would probably be imagining how to get the “hot babe” we were ogling in bed, I would look at her with the same degree of concentration — but pay close attention to what she wears. How she flips her hair. How she poses the head. How she smiles. What accessories flatter her. Sure, the thought of getting her in bed would naturally also cross my mind, but that would be secondary (let’s say it would be “an extra bonus” ): what still matters most to me, when I watch women with some intensity, is how they carry themselves. Sometimes this gets a bit overwhelming and I feel like I’m a pervert, drooling at all those women… but when I’m dressed as a male, who cares? We live in a male-dominated, chauvinistic society. Males are expected to behave like that. So, while I’m careful enough not to look too much like a pervert, I certainly pay constant attention to all women around me, and enjoy that very much.

I don’t look only at the gorgeous women, although God knows how many of those are around! Either this is a consequence of being past 40, or something happened in my country, because these days, it seems that I live inside a Hollywood studio. I remember being in Paris in the late 1990s. French women are supposed to be exquisite and have an excellent fashion sense, but the truth is, there were very few of those around. Perhaps one in ten was worth a second glance, and yes, those would look rather nice. The remaining 90% were ugly as hell, poor girls. Much worse than what I was used to see around my place.

These days, however, I’d say that half the women around here are definitely worth a second or a third glance. Even the rest makes an effort: there is often not much that they can do, but at least they can look clean, well-dressed, well-manicured, with a nice haircut — which will go a long way. And it was on those that I actually spent more observation time.

Why? Well of course I prefer to look at gorgeous women But for my own crossdressing skills to improve, I wouldn’t benefit from looking at those gorgeous supermodels with 6″ height and skinny as an ironing board. What would be the point? I have not such a figure! I can appreciate how they look (even though I don’t like the skinny types), obviously, but to learn how to dress and behave, I had to look to the ugly ones.

We project our own image of ourselves. I remember that quite clearly on my first crossdressing sessions. When I finally managed to apply some makeup that didn’t look like something the cat has thrown up, I saw myself on the mirror, and said: “Wow, what a gorgeous woman is looking at me!”. Back then I didn’t take many pictures, but I had a few. Weeks later, after the excitement from the CD session had long since faded, I would look at those pictures, detached from the exuberance of what I felt while I was dressing, and launched a critical eye on them. Who was I kidding? I looked ugly as hell. A bulldog with a wig would look better than me.

And it’s not just being plain and ugly; it’s being ugly and having it all wrong. Wrong hairstyle, wrong hair colour, wrong makeup, badly applied; wrong clothes, wrong poses, wrong everything. But this didn’t frustrate me. Rather, it made me question, over and over again, what I was doing so wrongly.

The pictures of CDs on the Internet normally aren’t that useful to me. The most good-looking ones have already such fantastic bodies that anything they dress will look right on them. The remaining CDs look as ugly as I do. But there are a few exceptions, and I have learned a lot from them.

These are CDs who know very well that they don’t look like Angeline Jolie and never will. However, that doesn’t mean they cannot enhance themselves here and there: showing the best of their features and hiding the others. This means changing wardrobe; choosing the right styles to wear; picking up a suitable hair colour and style; knowing what to do with the makeup. I was coming across pictures of CDs two decades older than me, with a worse figure, who, however, looked so much better than me. Wow! What was their trick?

Actually, the “trick” is repeated in most crossdressing manuals over and over again, but I paid little importance to it: they remind us that women, just like men, come in all sorts of shapes. And for each shape there are appropriate tricks to apply. You might look like a barrel and be completely disfigured and exuding “maleness” from all your pores, but do it right — applying the tricks that pertain to your body type and look — and you can be in a gala with Angelina Jolie next to you, and still get some compliments. It sounded crazy, and I didn’t really believe in it much, but it’s true.

And it’s not so hard actually. Of course it takes practice and training. It means experimenting a lot, since even on those manuals and tutorials, they tend to address some “stereotypes”, and we never fit exactly into a single one. So we need to figure out what works and what doesn’t. But this means two things: being a very good observer and being very critical about yourself.

That’s what I did. In fact, I’m now aware that even though I wanted to drive out as Sandra 7 years ago or so, when I first talked about my crossdressing to my wife, she told me that “I wasn’t ready yet”. And she was quite right. Now it’s very easy to see how many things I was doing so wrongly back then! Even my whole body movements were all wrong. It’s not just that it would be impossible to pass, it would be ridiculous to go out that way!

So I had seven long years to experiment. Once in a while, very rarely, my wife would give me a few tips. She’s not really a fashionista, and doesn’t dress that well herself, but at least she benefits from the experience of also having to deal with a body type which is hard to turn into something that looks great (that she managed to do so successfully is proven by the fact that she obviously caught my attention, 15 years ago ). For example, in my case, necklaces had to go. Overdoing the makeup also had to stop. Wearing too-fancy dresses would make me look twenty years older (I still have to improve my wardrobe, though!). And being a platinum blonde definitely won’t work with my skin type, even though I thought otherwise!

Strangely enough, the thing that usually is the more difficult to do, I caught up naturally very quickly: body movement. I have mentioned before that I’m actually slightly homophobic, and I’m sure that came from a reaction I had when I was 14 or 15 and suddenly figured out I wanted to dress like a girl, but didn’t want to have sex with boys. Being scared to become homossexual, I generated a strong aversion to them (which is irrational, I know), and this still lingers. So I thought to myself, well, I have overcome that, but there is a problem here. Women don’t move as men do: they do it completely differently. If I want to pass, even at a distance, I have to move like women do.

What bothered me is that I didn’t want to adopt gay mannerisms. Even when dressed as a women, these bother me. So I observed. And what I found out is that women actually do not move and gesture like some gay people do. A few do, sure, but they’re the minority. In fact, the vast majority of women move, pose, and gesture differently then men — we pick that up immediately! — but they don’t overdo it like some gay people do. And like some “ultrafeminine” types do. Well, I had to be critical about myself: with my body type, I would never look “ultrafeminine” — not even with major surgery! So I should adopt gestures, postures and poses from the women with body types similar to mine, and not emulate other types of women which have nothing to do with my own type.

This became surprisingly easy. I think that what mattered most is that I had some reluctance in adopting “flamboyant”, drag-queen-style gestures and poses, and, by avoiding that trap, I adopted much more natural gestures instead. Looking back on some old videos and comparing them with the more recent ones, there is no doubt that I made progress. While I’m still surprised at some comments on those videos saying “you look so feminine, congratulations!” when I know perfectly well I couldn’t fool anyone, I now began to realise that it’s not just the look they’re paying attention to, but the posture and the gestures: because they are now appropriate to a woman of my age, height, weight, and body type. And that’s pretty much the “secret”. I proudly admit now that I can convince my most hardest critic: myself. Some of the latest videos in the past two years or so are really convincing, even though in almost all of them, I’m enacting a fantasy and that leads to some exaggeration.

Sure, when walking around in public, I still have to remind myself about some simple tricks — things that all male crossdressers quickly forget. Elbows have to be always tucked in. That is my first and most important rule of all. I have seen videos of gorgeous crossdressers who forget that all the time. They look lovely at first sight until they start to move about; the illusion is immediately shattered because having the elbows stucking out is so male that it will overcome the most glamorous, feminine dress and the most perfect makeup. Secondly, when walking, I have always to remember that the legs have to be as close together as possible, and take small steps. As a male, I’m so used to do exactly the opposite that it’s hard to remember that all the time.

Of course, we non-genetic females have those extra bits between our legs, so naturally we keep the legs apart. It’s hard to walk otherwise. Even if we are wearing tight panties, that is usually not enough to make us remember that we have to keep the legs close together. In my case, I get the best results with combinations of garments like gaffs and my “special” padding that allow me to keep the legs very close together all the time without being uncomfortable, but that takes some getting used to. But it makes all the difference.

The third trick is the whole body posture: straight back, no slouching. Slouching is a habit we males have, and the older we are, the more easily we slouch. It immediately shows off our “maleness” and shatters the female image. In my case, it helps a bit to remember having the elbows tucked in; because the easiest way to do so is to keep a straight back! So, yes, these things tend to go together and reinforce each other.

And, finally, smile. That must definitely be the least mentioned secret — although many manuals and tutorials mention them. Smile all the time, even when you are on your own and nobody is watching you. In almost all my early pictures and videos I tried to “look sexy” with a sultry look… and forfeited the smiling. These look simply horrible. With the kind of face I’ve got, it’s very hard — not impossible, but almost — to look sexy and remain serious. I sometimes manage that, but it’s way too hard, and I guess it’s just a lucky shot. It’s far easier to smile, smile, smile. That will work wonders all the time.

You might say, “but women don’t smile all the time!” Well, no, but many do; and most will smile more than the average guy. The difference is that smiling will transform your whole face, making it more radiant and happy, and these are features we associate with being female. Also, smiling is easy, even though some people who never smile might think that a forced grin is worse than just remaining serious. I would disagree. Force your grins, baby! They will become more and more natural over time; also, a smile will take years away from your face. What could be best?

Of course, I don’t do all these things all the time, and this is why I often watch my videos again. Here I forgot to smile; here I was worried about something (like ash dropping from the cigarette) and forgot to keep the elbows tucked in; here I bent down and kept the legs apart more than I was supposed to do. Well, yes, there are all those flaws here and there, but, in general, it’s getting better. It also becomes more and more easier with practice; in most cases I don’t even remember doing what I do, and it’s just afterwards — with an inward smile! — that I notice what I’ve been doing. That’s what is supposed to take to successfully pass in public.

Makeup is wonderful. I’m not surprised women love it. Over the years, while I applied all types of tips and techniques, I found out a lot about the wonders of makeup. These days, with so many makeover videos on the ‘net, I’m really impressed how a woman’s beauty so often washes out with soap and water. Of course there are genuine beauties out there, but among us ugly types, makeup is truly a blessing.

If I don’t forget to smile, and turn my head just so, I can get pretty convincing head-on shots of myself, and I have to proudly admit, once again, that sometimes I do a great job. Many of you wouldn’t believe how ugly I look as a guy (no, I won’t show). It’s true I have nice green-blue eyes and rather large lips, but they’re completely underplayed in “male mode”, and while they might have stood out when I was 25, with 43 nobody notices them. What they see is the ugly nose and the double chin. But makeup changes all that, shifting the focus towards the areas I want to enhance and keeping away from the ugly bits. Sometimes people ask me how I’m able to apply falsies so well, because they look natural. I don’t. I haven’t used false lashes in well over a decade. It’s just mascara and liquid eyeliner. Of course I had to experiment with different brands and techniques, but these days I surprise myself all the time: my “real” lashes are nothing special, and since they’re a very light brown, they completely fail to attract attention. But using the proper techniques they look super glamourous, or, well, they look like I’m wearing falsies

Similarly, I don’t do those complex techniques to “get rid” of the eyebrows — a mixture of glue and powder, or something like that, to disguise them and paint “false eyebrows” on top of them. No, fortunately, these days women wear their eyebrows a bit wider than in the 1950s, although super-thin eyebrows are still fashionable. My own eyebrows, in male mode, are pretty neutral. They used to be straight and a bit under a centimetre wide. What I did over the years, without anyone noticing (even my wife has some doubts if I have trimmed them or not), was to thin them very slightly and give them just the hint of an arch. In fact, it’s more important to get rid of the straggling hairs which grow widely outside the “line” than to do the “perfect trim”. Then I got a tip from my wife: brush the eyebrows, so that they look well kept, and do a last sweep pulling them horizontally away from the nose, towards the edge. This will give them a “kept” look. A bit of white pencil beneath the arch, and that’s all I need. A hairstyle with bangs will naturally help a lot — nobody looking at my eyebrows in female mode would suspect that they aren’t trimmed to be “female-looking”. But the cool thing is that even all this minor trimming isn’t noticeable in “male mode”. Why? Because people focus on other things instead, not on my eyebrows.

Alas, the problem is that I haven’t been able to disguise my profile. This is rather hard to do from the side, because the techniques I use work just from the front. The ugly, twisted nose is just too noticeable from the side; and so is the double chin. I can lose some weight — which will shrink the double chin until it’s not so prominent — but there is nothing to do about the nose. If I did any facial surgery, the first thing to go would be the nose. It’s also slightly lopsided — barely noticeable unless you know what you’re looking for! — so I’d definitely like to get it straight. And thin. And small To be honest, when I go out in public, this is what worries me most: I look fine from the front, and perhaps not too bad from the back, but I look horribly male from the side.

Where I do wear a lot of “disguises” is… underneath. Now I know this is a matter of personal choice. I cannot say what is right and what is wrong. These days, it’s common among CDs who go out a lot to praise the “totally natural look”. That means they don’t even wear breastforms. They just keep themselves fit and slim, use push-up bras, and wear dresses that flatter their image — pretty much like any female who was not lucky enough to be born with the perfect image. The only “false” accessory that is allowed is a wig, and, even so, many CDs I know don’t even “allow” that, but tell other CDs they should just start to grow their hair long. Makeup, of course, is always allowed, but the less, the better.

And they might be right. After all, most women these days don’t have perfect bodies, either; they just wear fitting clothes for their body type, and go ahead with what they’ve got.

It bothers me a bit when I see some of my online friends, who go out together in public, but are are barrel-shaped. Many have gorgeous faces and flawlessly trimmed wigs; and often they have stunning dresses as well. But, alas, if they’re over 40 like me, they will have the most unflattering, un-feminine bodies, and it hurts me to see them looking like that. Because there are definitely alternatives!

Over those 15 years, I learned a very important lesson. When we talk about the “ideal” curvy feminine figure, we have those numbers in mind: 90-60-90 (in centimetres!). Obviously few of us male CDs will get those numbers without major surgery! Specially if we have drooping bellies; and if we don’t, it means we’re getting fit on the gyms, adding muscles to our body and having even larger shoulders, so we will look even less feminine that way! So it seems hopeless, even with appropriate clothing… doesn’t it?

Actually, no. The trick about those numbers is the ratio between them. What looks “feminine” is having a chest size as large as a hip size, and a difference of 30 cm between both. This is a “trick” not often mentioned on beauty magazines, so it’s well worth sharing it. What this means is that a woman with 100-70-100 will look as sexy and voluptuous and curvy as one with 90-60-90, specially if she has a larger frame. Similarly, a petite-sized woman with merely 75-45-75 will have more curves than a panoramic railroad up the Alps So the trick is looking at your real measurements, and get some padding to make sure you get that ratio!

Here is the major difficulty: males have next to zero hips, and, with advancing age, they get larger waists than their hips. Also, of course, without breastforms — or too tiny breastforms — they will not get the correct chest size.

In my male mode, I have a chest size of around 98, a waist size which varies with my weight but is usually around 100 or so, and the hips get 107 — I have been fortunate to be born with a rather large ass, lol. Still, as you can see, these numbers are nowhere close to what I need to look “right”!

So what I did first was to bring the waist size down. My corsets tend to bring me down to 84 cm or so, which is an improvement, but not enough: merely 15 cm or so is simply not enough. Since I adore breastforms, I experimented a lot with them. My first set was too small: it was labelled as a “C cup”, but I soon realised that “cups” go together with “chest size”. A C cup on a large chest size looks like a B… or even an A. On the other hand, a so-called C cup breast form on a petite woman with a 75cm chest will make her look like Pamela Anderson! Figuring out the exact size is not easy, and that’s why I got professionals to do it for me: I went to an Amoena shop to get the correct fitting. And, to be honest, the breastforms they sold me were enormous! I had seen their measurements and thought that I would be buying two sizes smaller. When the shopkeeper brought me the sizes she had picked, I told her that I didn’t want such huge breasts! She smiled knowingly and told me to try them on.

One popular mistake with crossdressers is that they get the wrong shapes for their breasts, mostly because obviously we have no experience with breasts (except as to what happens under the bed sheets with our female S.O. — but we’re probably not using a measuring tape then!). In reality, they grow from underneath the armpits and go all the way to the centre. If we’re very wide-chested — and most male CDs will be, compared to genetic women! — it means that we have to take in account that our breastforms will have to have “extra flesh” (or, rather, silicone) to allow for covering a much wider area. That’s why the “proper fit” will seem to be so big. Then, of course, one needs the appropriate bra which will hold everything in place to look natural — because even a D cup bra for a shorter torso, even if it has extra straps and such, will not deal with the breastform correctly. Then again, 80-95% of all women don’t know their correct bra sizes, either — so why should we be different? Even though we have an advantage: we can select the bra size we want, since we decide what breastforms we’re going to use! The added advantage, however, brings in the difficulty of needing to select the proper shape of the breast form we want. I remember my first breastforms: they were made of latex. Even though they gave me the desired chest size, they were shaped all wrong. It’s not the manufacturer’s fault — it was my fault for not really understanding breast anatomy! So, while I cannot claim to have “perfectly shaped breasts” (that doesn’t exist!), what I can say is that they are realistically shaped. I have noticed that mostly from the profile — my worst side! — where the breasts really look very natural.

All right, enough about breasts! To summarise, now I have something like 112-114 cm on my chest and around 84 cm on the waist. Perfect! That’s the desired “30 cm difference” which makes my body look so feminine. There was just the matter of the hips to deal with: at 107 cm, they’re simply too narrow.

For most cases, I’d say it’s pointless to worry much, and this is what I did for many years. Choosing the right fit on the skirt will cleverly disguise narrow hips, for instance. Add a wide belt, and the waist will be enhanced visually, taking the viewer’s attention away from the hips. The Internet is overflowing with tips to enhance “boyish” figures with styles that are appropriate for narrow hips.

All that is very nice to know, but I was not really very happy with the overall results. I even sent a dress to a seamstress to “improve” it slightly, making it fit better. But I wasn’t totally happy: I needed my extra 10 cm of hips!

So, well, padding to the rescue. You might have heard horror stories about padding: most systems are simply styrofoam or gel pads embedded in panties. Some look acceptable even if they’re cheap, but they are often of the “one-size-fits-all” kind, which, as you know, never fits anybody. I was actually lucky, because I had not thrown away my old Veronica 2 from Classic Curves, bought a decade ago. This is a custom fit undergarment. What you do is to send in your exact measurements — a lot of them! — and this gets input into a computer that will calculate the amount of padding to give you a realistic, feminine figure. So it’s not just about the hips: it’s an all-around solution for hips, behind, and shaping. Very sophisticated! It has, however, several problems. The first, of course, is that the measurements are so precise that if you gain or lose weight, it won’t fit any longer. This is why my Veronica 2 has been stored away for so long. When I lost some 10 kg or so, I gave it a try again, and I was really surprised about the results: all of a sudden, all my dresses started to fit correctly! And the resulting feminine imagine is simply unbeatable with any other trick or technique.

As said, the Veronica 2 (I haven’t tried other products of their lines) has other problems. The most annoying one is probably the zipper. There are zipper-less versions, but they’re allegedly “harder to put on”. The zipper, however, has the big disadvantage that it gets stuck on everything. Remember, this is really a very tight foundation undergarment. To prevent the zipper from sticking to things, they have sewed in a protection — a bit of silky cloth that gets velcro’ed beneath the zipper — but, of course, the zipper will stick to that as well, and the only way to get it unstuck is to tear the protective cloth apart. I’ve tried to sew it together — given enough time, I do sew reasonably well; my problem is sewing in a hurry — but sooner or later the zipper will get stuck at the seams, and everything will come apart. Of course, without the protection, the zipper will get stuck at everything — your panties, any frilly undergarment you may have, or the laces from the corset. And don’t even think about going without panties! It’s better to ruin them then to get the zipper stuck at… you know what! So, yes, it’s always a pain to get the zipper closed without getting stuck at anything.

The other problem is that the foam pads, after much use, will slowly crumble apart. Since they’re designed by a computer-driven robot, it’s not exactly the kind of thing you can easily replace — except reordering from Classic Curves. Also, like everything made of foam, they’re good for the visual illusion, but not for a “close inspection” (i.e. touch). Of course the garment itself will be over the pads, so that’s ok, but Classic Curves also sell gel pads, which are much more realistic and don’t crumble apart, but they’re far, far more expensive. And, very likely, they can be washed too — because you can certainly wash the Veronica, but not the pads. Classic Curves sells the shorter Veronica 1 announcing that it can be worn under “swimsuits” but I fail to understand what will happen to the foam pads if you decide to go swimming! (The gel pads should be fine, though.)

Problems aside, at the end of the day, the simple fact is that I’ve achieved my goal. No, I’m not 90-60-90, but I’m 114-84-114 or so, or close enough for the difference to be unnoticeable, and it shows. That’s definitely curvy material to work with! And it also means that all of a sudden, pretty much everything you wear will fit correctly — you simply won’t have a “male figure” any longer.

Of course it’s just an illusion. And one that has its drawbacks. For many T-girls, even breastforms might be uncomfortable; mine weight 1.5 kg, which is something “new” to handle (but I love it!). Corsets are still deemed by many to be a form of torture, and best relegated to the BDSM crowd. In all honesty, even though they take some getting used to, they’re actually very comfortable to wear for extended periods, because they force you to give up the slouch and keep your back straight, which is actually much more resting. You have to try them for extended periods to believe me, I know There is just one problem with corsets: it’s when the whalebones stick through the garment. Ouch! On the other hand, the Veronica has some quirks for extended wear, on the crotch zone. You might ask yourself why I need both a corset and the Veronica. I’ve tried to go without the corset; it works with some outfits, but my pot belly will not be held in place by the Veronica’s elastic banding. It takes the strength of a corset to do that Overall, the major problem is, of course, the heat: combine all of that and a wig, and it becomes next to impossible to dress on a hot day. While everybody’s sensitivity to heat is different, I have found out that I cannot wear all these things with indoor temperatures above 25ºC: I sweat too much and will ruin the makeup that way.

But even though it’s “just an illusion“, it comes close to what I had in mind back in the mid-1990s when I started to crossdress. The goal was to pass, and I’m pretty much near to the limit to what I can do to achieve that. There is always room for improvement: I’m not very happy with my outfit choices, but it’s actually hard to figure out what fits well and what doesn’t. For example, I actually prefer tops and skirts, but I found out that dresses fit me best; why, I don’t know, but there is just one combination of top + skirt that looks great, the rest simply won’t match well for some reason. Also, it took me a lot of time to figure out what hairstyles will fit me well, and I came up with something which I would have never bought from an online shop — it was just because I tried it out that I bought it, surprised that it looked rather nice! (I’m currently on a waiting queue for a custom-made wig, which I’m very curious about, since I have no way to know if it will look nice on me before it arrives; the best I could do is to use a website for virtual makeovers to get a preview on how it might look like) But the whole point is that it took a lot of time to get a feminine image that is relatively acceptable. Why so much time? Well, because I don’t dress every day, and I have no benefit of geting advice from family & friends like genetic girls do. They can go through the trial & error phase very quickly. Also, they start to do that when they’re very young!

I should open a parenthesis in my thoughts. At this point, some of my readers will remind me that I look already great on the pictures and on the videos I post, and so I should stop complaining! You’re being very kind to me but the plain truth is that I cheat. I tend just to show the “best” angles. I wear makeup that looks great on videos, but would look scary or daunting in broad daylight. Under a controlled enviroment, behind a low-resolution camera, I do, indeed, look acceptable. But that’s just the illusion behind the camera: out there in public, I’m just a very ugly woman that “looks wrong”. I don’t really pass — the best that might happen is to raise some doubts, specially when seen from afar. If I come close to someone else, they’ll be shocked to have mistaken me for a real woman. Most of you don’t realise that, since most of you are crossdressers as well and very tolerant and encouraging (this is a great community, btw, where we all encourage each other so much!) and are used to it. And, again, the camera helps a lot. I still get a lot of people on popular chatrooms that are tricked to believe they’re viewing a real woman — I tend to visit those chatrooms less these days, but sometimes I spend some time there, mostly to gauge the reactions. It just shows how good the camera is in hiding my imperfections — some people even think I’m younger than 30! But, again, this is not “reality”. It’s a convenient illusion, and I take full advantage of it. In “reality” I look much worse and are easily picked up.

The irony is that pretty much half of my life has gone by until I pretty much achieved my intended goal. I’m already starting to notice some aging effects which makeup cannot cover: wrinkled hands, for example. More pronounced lines — not really wrinkles — to the side of my cheeks, which weren’t there 5 or 10 years ago. In another decade, I will have to start wearing different styles of clothes, and probably wear shorter hair, which simply looks disgusting on me (I’ve tried!). In another 20 years I will try to pass as a nice old lady, full of wrinkles, and with overdone makeup. In 30 years, crossdressing will not be so fun — it will just be something I will have to do to appease my urges. And in 40 years I might be too old and in constant pain and unable to dress on my own. Time is very tough on us crossdressers, specially if we aren’t as regular as we wished to be. I often think back to how I would look like when I was 25 or 27, if I knew what I know today — I would pass much better! And with 17, when I was skinny, I’d look gorgeous as a woman — I had no muscles and no fat! But those days will never come back again.

I also think of my plans for when I was 30 years old. 30 is a good age — not too young, but not too old either. If I had transitioned back then, and went through hormones and extensive surgery, I’d still look gorgeous today — men age differently from women, we actually have some advantages in that regard. In my family, for instance, the male part rarely gets wrinkled skin before they turn… 80! By contrast, the women in my family start to get white hair and tons of wrinkles around 50 or so. My mother, 8 years younger than my father, always seemed to be physically much older (she largely compensates having a fantastic extroverted personality and smiling a lot). So, with surgery and hormones, I think I would be able to pass as a relatively good-looking woman for two good decades at least.

But not any more. Hormones today would have little effect — more psychologically than anything else. They might help to redistribute fat — removing it from the belly and put it on the behind, where it belongs, thus compensating for the lack of hips and allowing me to get rid of the Veronica. It might round up the face a little, soften the edges, but I’m lucky not to have “chiseled” features anyway, so I can compensate with makeup. It might also tone down the muscles, even though I haven’t many, but it could help a bit, specially with the arms, which look “too male” for my taste. Of course there would be the advantage of getting a bit less facial hair (but I would still require extensive laser hair removal) and probably get some more hair on top. But it wouldn’t change much more: I would still have wide shoulders and be much higher than the average female in my country, because hormones cannot change that. And no, I wouldn’t get the so-desired breasts that all crossdressers love — in my family, except for one aunt, all women are small-breasted, so I would need surgery as well. My nose, as well as some features I dislike on my chin, would also require extensive surgery. Even with some fat distribution, it would probably not be enough: I would have to “aid nature” and get some hip implants. While the “pot belly” would get somewhat reduced, I’d still think I’d need to remove all fat surgically as well. Add that all together, and, well, it’s insanely expensive… for what? A few years having fun as a female, before the onset of old age? It seems a bit pointless to me.

Fortunately, that choice is taken away from me. So what remains is a certain amount of resignation: it won’t happen. Not in this life. So why worry? Instead, I should be happy in what I have achieved. There are still a lot of things that I haven’t tried out — namely, really going out with friends to a public place (and not merely meeting a CD friend on a remote spot). My wife warned me that I would become bolder once she gave me permission to roam the neighbourhood fully dressed (inside the car), and she is right: I’d love to go out during Carnival (Mardi Gras) and just pretend I didn’t care if people looked oddly at me, even when going to a very public place like a shopping mall These are still goals in my list. I also have some fantasies of going to a baroque music concert in my best evening dress — where lights are dimmed and people cannot talk much or point fingers at me — or even going to the movies. I’d love to go to a non-LGBT esplanade or café or restaurant in plain daylight, even if fully knowing that everybody would know I’m a crossdresser, but not really caring about what they’d say — public places have the advantage that they won’t allow serious disturbances to happen. The worst that might happen is denying you entrance, but some spots wouldn’t really care — I could address them in English, and tourists and their oddities are welcome everywhere in my country They might get me a seat at the worst possible place (to make sure I leave quickly!) but they wouldn’t deny me a place. And I’d love to travel crossdressed to another country where nobody knows me and enjoy myself a whole week fully dressed.

All these are achievable goals. Transition is not. When looking at things from this perspective, I can see that there is a lot that I can still do and enjoy. Why worry too much about the things I cannot enjoy? It just spoils the fun! Instead, I should be happy for having so many wonderful opportunities of having fun dressing as a woman, all of which are perfectly achievable.

It often helps to think how much some of my friends in transition are suffering. I have already told you about the law changes around here, which make transition affordable and simple. Among a group of a dozen or so very active users of an online community I’ve joined a couple of years before the law changed, half of them are in transition. Most of them never even seriously considered it before. Some are relative newcomers to crossdressing. Every month or so, it looks like someone else is starting transition; often I think that I will be the last “plain crossdresser” of that group!

One would think that transition is easy and fun, or people would refrain from doing that! But it’s neither easy nor fun. Almost all transgendered people I’ve met online are in serious financial trouble of one sort or another. Some are unemployed and have been so for a long time; they are fully aware that their chances of getting a job after transition will be next to zero. Others are employed in male-only jobs — like building — and will have to quit their jobs, having no idea what to do afterwards. Most are anxious about the relatively long procedure until they are finally allowed to take a few hormones; and then they stress out about the lack of immediate effect and wonder how much longer they have to wait until they finally get to notice any difference. Some are clearly confused about their future anyway, and don’t identify neither to a “male” world nor a “female” world, but believe that they would feel better once they’re classified under the “female” label. So, overall, this is hardly a painless situation for them. I just find it interesting that their “real life” cases are so different from what has been reported about transexuals going under transition. And I think that the major difference is that those reports come mostly from activists, who live completely different lives. These people I call my friends, even if I just meet them online, are not activists. They just want to be themselves, alone, and not get pestered by anyone else. Some have support from their families; most had to sever themselves from their families to enter transition. There are a few interesting cases of incredibly female-looking individuals who, however, are not going through transition, but, over time, they have dressed more and more female-y even among friends and family and increasingly get more accepted that way. A few toy with the idea of getting hormone therapy, but they don’t think so much about it. Instead, they’re happy to have fun to dress as females and do what females do, even if they wouldn’t apply the word “transexual” to themselves — they simply don’t worry about those things. They’re the kind of T-girls that paint their nails in neon pink for the annual Christmas dinner; and after an initial shock from the more conservative members of the family, the women at the dinner start to ask more about the place where she had her nails done. For the Easter lunch they might undo their ponytails and show that their long hair actually has a very feminine haircut, which they obviously never show at the workplace, but, being among friends and family, they feel it’s ok to show off their hair as well — or perhaps a sleeveless top.

Of course not everybody’s family and friends are that open-minded, and this will work only in certain social environments. But my point is that these people are enjoying themselves. Instead of fretting about transition or no transition; instead of worrying about quitting their jobs and families and starting everything from scratch; instead of spending endless, sleepless nights in anxiety about their future… they just enjoy themselves more and more, dressing as women, perhaps not always fully, but having no qualms to appear among friends and family in the way they like. It’s like showing off a tattoo, for example: in some circles, it might still be seen as a “daring” move. But once you have a tattoo in a visible place, there is no way to hide it any longer — it would be pointless to do so. Instead, not worrying too much about it and making fun of the whole situation is the right way to go ahead.

These examples are very encouraging to me, and they show that there is “life beyond transition” for a crossdresser like me who knows that transition will never be an option. While my own family would probably die from shock, as well as my conservative friends, I keep going back to the idea that my mother-in-law would probably find it very amusing. On the other hand, just daydreaming about that will just generate expectations, worries, and anxiety — so why bother thinking and thinking about that? If the opportunity comes, I’ll seize it; if not, I shall not worry too much about it. That’s the way that leads to happiness — it’s called contentment: being happy with what you got and not worrying too much about what you cannot get.

Every month has small victories. My recent “boldness” brought me to a gas station (twice). Of course it was an automated one — nobody was around, except for the CCTV — but it still was fun to do. Before that was getting money out of an ATM. And, of course, meeting the lovely Patricia in person. Who knows what will happen next? The main point is: let’s not worry too much about it. It just spoils the fun.

Turning to the ‘net, even as far back in 1995, showed me that there were a lot of choices for crossdressers: I was fascinated by the already existing range of choices! Of course, back then, everything was insanely expensive and only available in the US. But buying things over the Internet was fine for me, so, in order not to ruin my bank account, I just got a cheap pair of “fantasy” latex breasts.

Needless to say, they weren’t very appealing. While the overall shape was somewhat correct, I never liked the smell or touch of latex (I know a lot of people actually have a latex fetish, but I never had it). They also didn’t bounce realistically and didn’t have the right weight (or even shape!) and were little better than, say, using some rubber balls of the appropriate shape and using some padding with socks to achieve pretty much the same result. But, alas, for the “beginner” crossdresser — one that had no idea where this would lead… — it was better than nothing, and, as said, they were cheap…

I got rid of them during my first “purge”, which coincided with getting a new girlfriend, which I thought would “relieve” the anxiety and the need to crossdress — also, at that time I kept my crossdressing accessories stored in a black bag in the trunk of my car (I still lived with my parents!) and didn’t want her to find out… Well, as we all know, crossdressing simply doesn’t go away because you throw all your stuff out. So, little time afterwards I went back to the ‘net and started looking for alternatives to realistic breasts.

There seemed to be no other choice but to go for silicone breast forms. They had been originally developed for women who went the painful psychological experience of mastectomy, and tried to be an aid to boost their self-esteem back again, by providing the best possible experience that technology could afford at that time. But I did order a C cup pair from a specialised shop (Suddenly Fem), where I originally got the latex forms, because I trusted them to pick, among the many choices, the ones that would work best on crossdressers.

These days, there were only two alternatives to fit your breast forms to your chest: either glue them on with a special adhesive, or get a special bra that sort of fixed them in place (“pocket bras” hadn’t been invented yet, or, if they were, I couldn’t shop for them online…). I got a pair of the latter, but also bought a set of adhesive and adhesive remover.

The silicone breasts definitely had a huge advantage over the latex. They had the right shape and weight and they bounce realistically, since the silicone used has the same density of human flesh. They also get warm to the touch and will get the same body temperature as the rest of your body, which is a fantastic experience and makes them feel “part of you”. Well… to a degree. When they’re slipped inside a bra, they wouldn’t really stay in place, fully in touch with your chest. Adhesive was the only way to get them behave naturally, and even go bra-less if you wished.

My experience with adhesives was a nightmare. For some stupid reason, the first time I tried it out was on a two-day business trip. I got early back to the hotel to have plenty of time to glue them on, have some fun (these days I didn’t take pictures of myself; I looked ugly anyway!), sleep wearing them, and un-glue them in the morning before checking out.Gluing them on was not so easy as I thought, but I eventually managed to do so. I correctly assumed that I would have some difficulty in the removal, so I didn’t sprinkle too much adhesive — enough to get them to stay on, but not too much. Let’s say that the experience was not very fulfilling. The glue smells horribly — nothing that you would relate to a “feminine image” — and you start really to appreciate the weight of those silicone breasts when they start to pull at your exposed (and previously closely shaved!) skin. Going bra-less was not really an option, it did hurt too much, but at least I could get them inside a bra and get some relief.

In the morning, however, I got a surprise. In spite of using the adhesive remover liberally, they simply wouldn’t un-stick so easily as advertised! I guess it depends a lot on your skin type and so forth, but for a moment, I got into a panic. I did wake up relatively early, but I had to leave the room by noon, and after an hour or so, it was clear that the glue was not going to be removed so easily. Not without tearing the skin apart, which was quickly getting red from harsh treatment and the anxiety to get the glue off. Working in the shower, using more adhesive remover and bathing thoroughly, I managed to at least un-stick the breast forms. Then it was the hard task of getting the glue residue off my skin! I barely managed to finish in time, applied moisturiser liberally to ease the rashes, and left the hotel at the last possible moment, leaving the stink of the adhesive remover all over the room…

Although I used the adhesive later under more controlled situations (and aware of the time needed to un-glue the breastforms!), it was clear that this was not really a choice for me. Also, I learned — the hard way! — that simply applying the minimum amount of glue just to get the breasts in place is not enough: the amount of skin supporting all that weight is not enough. So there is really just one way, which is to put glue all over the breast form. And that means hours of getting rid of the glue afterwards…

Well, I don’t remember exactly how many months elapsed — by that time, I was limited to a few crossdressing sessions per year, on odd weeks of vacation on my own, and a few business trips — but at some point I saw that a new technology was introduced for breastforms: velcro! The way this worked sounded more promising: you’d use a “sticker” adhesive (similar to a big Band-Aid) which would be applied directly over the skin, and that remains in place for a week or so. The breastforms themselves have velcro straps in the back and would stick to the “Band-Aid”. So you could theoretically attach and detach them at will: great for a few days of vacations, where I’d need to go out to shop for food (and at least a few hours to give the hotel staff a chance to clean the room) and return to the room for my crossdressing sessions. This actually worked: the “Band-Aid” is not visible under regular clothes, and, unless I wanted to go to the beach or swimming pool, I could use them all the time with no discomfort. Just like advertised, it stayed in place even under the shower, for several days. While the adhesive didn’t cover the whole area of the breast, but just the border around the nipples, the adhesive strength of velcro was more than enough to keep them in place. I also did buy some larger cups — I learned the lesson that a C cup might be astonishing on a genetic girl, but it looks way too small for my big figure and wide chest — and was generally happy with the solution. And, of course, the breastforms came with a protective cover so that you could use them in regular bras without the need of using the velcro.

There were some disadvantages to this method. First, the velcro adds some “thickness”: the breastform is not firmly attached to the chest, there is a quite visible gap. My attempts to camouflage it with makeup failed completely; I understand that there is a special putty, used by Hollywood makeup artists, that might be able to fill the gaps, but I never used that. So while the velcro would indeed allow me to go bra-less, the result would be anything but natural. The biggest advantage is that the breasts would be in place and not “move around”; not really the ability to go bra-less and show the “girls” off.

After a few years, “pocketbras” became popular on the specialised crossdressing clothes sites. These assume that the breastforms are not attached to the chest: you just place them inside a specially designed pocket in the bra, and wear the whole ensemble. The breastforms will remain in place that way, and give you a comfortable, natural look. You can even use the usual tricks to provide extra cleavage very easily (easier than with glued-on breasts): just do all your cleavage-producing tricks on your real breasts, and let the breasts inside the bra pocket rest on top of everything. The results, as I hope you can appreciate on some of my pictures, are quite realistic and convincing! “Pocketbras” have also been evolving in terms of design and materials: the first one I bought was of the “rigid” type, where the breastforms are firmly held into place. The last I bought is designed with elastic straps providing super-bouncing which looks and feels very good!

As time went by, I started using my newer pocketbras more and more, and eventually gave up using the velcro attachments — recently I’ve even removed the velcro strips from the breastforms completely, once I exhausted my stock of “adhesive” Band-Aid-like things (the online shop doesn’t carry it any longer). But the “old” bras were still useful. With some clever taping tricks (I’ve finally found the delightful world of surgical tape and its many uses!) I could partially attach the breastforms to the bra, thus making sure that they would stay in place, but also prevent them to be seen at the bra’s lacey edges (since the colour, texture, and “glossy” finish doesn’t make them look very realistic, and, as said, makeup doesn’t stick too well to them), which I hate. It simply breaks all the illusion Some of the old bras trade-off “bouncing” by “extra projection” (using cleverly designed underwiring and whalebone support), and I likes that for some of my outfits, so I was happy not to get rid of the old bras. I was just sorry that I couldn’t use any of my real bras (ones bought from women lingerie shops!) because even underwired ones would not cover the breastform completely, and, as said, the “glossy” finish on the silicone forms just looks too unnatural for my taste…

After 12 years of regular use of my breastforms, they’re still in good shape — pun intended. But it’s clear they’re getting “dated”. An attempt to glue them on with fake nail glue (which is also organic, has good bonding properties, and is very easy to remove) failed completely — nail glue is simply not strong enough to support the entire weight. And, well, these days most high-quality breastforms use a radical new technology: they’re self-adhesive.

A few of my CD friends have showed me the advantages of the latest technologies. You don’t need to use any kind of glue. There is usually a simple preparation: remove excess skin oil from the chest area, and just attach the forms. The adhesive usually lasts for several applications and is supposed to be strong enough to keep the forms in place for many hours, and they’re easily “peeled off” at the end. Just moisturise the area, wash the breastforms afterwards, and you’re ready. It was time to start looking at this new generation of breastform attachment, and so I browsed the Web, looking for comments about brands and the experience with them.

It was obvious that the choices have exponentially grown since my last purchase! Everything, from very cheap Chinese “falsies”, to the highest end of medical-grade silicone breastforms for mastectomy post-operation, uses some sort of self-adhesive. The cheapest the forms, the less likely the adhesive will remain for long, or will actually keep the forms attached firmly so that you can go bra-less. The Chinese “falsies” are usually for small cup sizes and use a lighter silicone — they might not have the proper weight and inertia of real, human flesh breasts, but trade that off for better sticking. Some brands can guarantee that the adhesive will work on the smaller forms of their model range, but not on the larger ones. And it was clear to me that, being endowed with a big frame and a huge chest, I’d very likely have a hard time to find something that would stick. But at least there would be the advantage of having the breastforms firmly in place, and that might be enough for my purposes…

The silicone itself has also undergone several technology upgrades. Silicone is now way cheaper than it was a dozen years ago. “Fantasy” breastforms for the CD population, from casual to intensive use, are now very popular and have an endless number of suppliers. It corresponds to the kind of silicone used in what used to be “medical-grade” silicone forms of a decade ago — same density as the human flesh, getting warm with your body temperature, providing the right inertial feel, and in general, looking pretty realistic, even when you touched them — at least, when you pinched them inside the bra. The finish is still glossy and looks unnatural. Some sites show tricks on how to apply makeup over them to get rid of the glossy look; some brands offer a matte finish instead, which is a bit better on pictures (less light reflection), but will still feel like, well, something manufactured, and not like a “real” breast.

So in my long searches I finally found the ultimate in breastform technology, developed for genetic women that underwent mastectomy who required nothing less than perfection: Amoena. This is a multinational headquartered in Germany (probably the world’s largest supplier of breastforms, as well as all kinds of “kinky” accessories…) with distributors and shops all over the world. They are notmanufacturers for the crossdresser/transgendered community: for the past 25 years, they have been providing mastectomy patients with a way to regain their self-confidence by providing them the best possible breastforms that technology can develop. Their customers include hospitals, clinics, orthopaedic centres, doctors, and so forth — not online shops for crossdressers. Nevertheless, due to the insanely high quality of their products, many online shops targeting the crossdresser community sometimes carry their products, on both sides of the Atlantic.

Some reviews were promising, and their site is reasonably thorough in explaining the technology behind their breastforms. They use medical-grade silicone of the latest generation – good enough for breast implants in Europe, where silicone implants are allowed — but don’t simply wrap it up into a container. They found out that their patients are much more demanding: they require all sorts of different shapes and forms to perfectly match the non-mastectomised breast. But Amoena has also found out that women after a complex surgery might suffer from hormonal imbalance and sweat more than usual (specially if they’re in their menopause). Mainstream breastforms just adapt to the body temperature and may become too uncomfortable during that period; sweating will also interfere with the adhesive properties. Mastectomised women will also want to return to a normal life, and that means that the breastforms will need to feel to the touch like a real breast. They will have to survive immersion in sea water or on a swimming pool. And some will want to sleep wearing the breastforms, too.

This created several engineering challenges, but Amoena has found some clever tricks, or so they claim on their website. Well, I was curious, but the high cost listed on some of the online shops were a bit too high for me — after all, unlike a mastectomy patient, I just wear the breastforms once or twice per week, and the cost didn’t justify the quality, at least for me. Also, there was a further problem. Most crossdresser online shops have relatively easy sizing tables: you just pick the bra size you wear, and they’ll ship the correct breastform size for you. As I’ve found out in the past, a breastform for a 34D bra is way smaller than one for a 38D bra — the cup size is the same, but the breastform will be much larger to accommodate the wider chest. To make things more confusing, Amoena’s models are for a wide variety of mastectomy patients. Some require a full replacement; others just need a partial replacement. In some cases, their clients just need some “extra padding” on one of the breasts. Some breasts are full, some sag a bit; and depending on the exact configuration of the remaining breast, the breastform might need to be asymmetric, symmetric, or have a round shape. Too many choices!

So what does Amoena do? They provide “fitting” sessions to make sure their clients get exactly the breastform they need. This is done by professionals with a lot of experience. A few crossdressers and transgendered individuals offer that service as well; some believe that they can work from pictures and tape measurements to give you an accurate fitting. But here I found another problem: the online shops carrying Amoena’s products don’t offer the full range of models and sizes, but just focus on a few. Their reasoning is that this is a rather specialised and expensive product and few crossdressers will buy them, so they stick to the most popular choices. Unfortunately, after trying to figure out my size from their charts and tables, the model and number I wished was not among the popular choices (as I’ve found out later, and as you’ll see, I did get the size wrong).

A bit frustrated, and close to abandoning Amoena and picking one of the more easily obtainable “fantasy” breastform suppliers, I found out, almost by chance, that Amoena had a local representative in my country. I blinked. This was astonishing — or was it? After all, remember that Amoena’s clients are, first and foremost, mastectomy patients. Breast cancer in Portugal is as common as anywhere else in the world, and of course someone would have to supply hospitals and clinics with good, medical-grade products.

On the other hand, as mentioned, we’re talking about a very sensitive area, where absolute discretion is needed. Mastectomy patients have lost a lot of their self-confidence and require gentleness and patience to get back to their normal lives. Fitting a breastform which might ease the pain of transition back to a regular life — one where a women doesn’t need any longer to worry about “hiding” the missing part of her body, but can pretty much do anything again: wearing low-cut dresses, swimming in pools and on the beach while wearing a bikini again, being able to pick up clothes and try them out on the fitting rooms without caring – requires professionals who are familiar with a very sensitive condition and are there only to help, while keeping the “secret” of the breastform very closely. So I started to wonder if they wouldn’t be discreet with crossdressers as well…

Most resellers on the list for my country are obviously hospitals and clinics, and I was weary to go there. I might be felt as “intruding” – wasting time with my fancies, while real women in a sensitive condition after breast removal surgery would be waiting on a queue, feeling apprehensive and anxious for their own appointments. On the other hand, the main distributor might feel differently. For them I would be just another client. And one that would be buying a pair of breasts and not just one.

So last week I filled myself with courage and went to the non-descript office of the main distributor for my country. I was prepared to ask them if they did fitting appointments for crossdressers; and if they answered “no” I’d be out, never to return, never to be identified. Even if by a bad stroke of luck I would meet someone who knew me (hardly likely in the reasonable anonymity of a large city like Lisbon), I would just pretend that I was looking for a shop in the neighbourhood, got lost, and was asking for directions. But I didn’t need to worry. In a cosy environment, where discretion and putting people to ease were the norm, the receptionist at the desk said that they definitely would do fitting appointments for crossdressers, and it was quite obvious from the reply that they had done this in the past. So, well, we set up a date to my convenience and I left, happy in spite of the initial misgivings and the anxiety.

The fitting appointment day was scheduled for last Tuesday. I remembered, at the last moment, that it would be a good idea to bring a few of my bras with me. Of course I was in “male mode” — even though smoothly shaved – and the initial anxiety subsided while I waited in the room. After all, what could go wrong? They made clear that they had no issues with selling breastforms to crossdressers; I was just another client. They were discreet for sure; there was little opportunity to suddenly meet anyone that could know me (several of the women in my family were subjected to breast cancer, including my own mother, even though most didn’t need full mastectomies, so I had the excuse to be there shopping for something — Amoena doesn’t sell only breastforms, but also bras and matching panties, swimming suits, scarves, even dresses). The prices might be too high for my tastes, but I would be willing to discuss that with them afterwards. Nothing could really “go wrong”, except, well, being laughed at — but, as said, they did accept my appointment, so one might presume they would just want to sell their products to a potential customer, not laugh at them…

I was finally met by a dynamic sales rep, who had been working with Amoeba for the past 18 years, and who definitely was familiar with crossdressers and transvestites, even though she was not an “expert”. But she was fine with helping with the fitting. I knew the model I wished — Contact Comfort+ — and she quickly confirmed the measurements. At this point I found out that I had gotten the sizes wrong from the charts and tables: I suspected I would need at least a size 8 breastform, but she immediately suggested a size 10, because of my wide chest. And, of course, she was quite right – when wearing my own bras (both D cups), they were perfectly filled with the size 10, and the size 8 would have been too tiny. It would have been impossible for me to figure that out without a proper fitting!

The Amoena Contact Comfort+ breastforms are very… strange. It’s very hard to explain the feeling, since I had nothing to compare with, and I’m not sure if words are good enough to describe them. After wiping the skin surface with a special product to increase the adhesion properties, the sales rep removed the protective film over the adhesive part of the breastform, and applied it from the bottom upwards. The backside has these strange tiny little transparent pearls, which don’t look really “sticky” at first glance. However, they have quite strong adhesion properties (which increase over time; don’t ask me how that works, but the site also refers that)! The breastform is fit snugly and perfectly, and after it’s on, it really feels like it’s part of your own body. It’s quite different from the sensation of the glue I used before on my early breastforms. With those, all you feel is the weight of the form pulling the skin out and down. With the Amoena breastforms, you don’t experience anything like that. The weight is distributed uniformly among the hundreds of tiny pearls, and you don’t feel the skin being pulled at all. It just sticks and stays there. Very comfortably so.

Then the silicone used is really different from what I was used to. There is a difference between the current generation of medical-grade silicone and the one used on “fantasy” forms for crossdressers. The weight is the same — same density! — but the whole way it reacts to touching and pinching is… very strange. I always thought my other forms were realistic, but they don’t come even close to Amoena’s material. They’re almost uncannily realistic, and it takes some getting used to. Perhaps I can give an analogy. Do you remember when you sit uncomfortably for a long while and your legs get numb? If you pinch the muscle of your legs, you won’t feel a thing (until the blood circulation is restored, of course, then you’ll start feeling the “pins and needles”), but you still know it’s a leg made of flesh, muscles, and fat, because you’re used to the touch and the way the flesh reacts to the pinching and goes back to its place. So you still get this feeling that you’re pinching a leg, even though you’re not actually feeling anything on your leg (but your fingers are feeling the touch of the skin and the way the flesh beneath reacts to the pinching!).

I think that comes closest to the description of the Amoena breastforms. After a few minutes of wearing them, so close to your chest, and feeling so natural, it’s very hard to believe they’re not a part of you — a part of you that is numbed down, but that still reacts and feels to the touch as if it’s a part of you. The brain plays this trick rather neatly. Yes, you know it’s not your “real” breast; however, your sense of touch still thinks that you’re touching and pinching real flesh beneath real skin, you just don’t feel it, just like you don’t feel anything when your legs (or arms) are numbed down. Or perhaps you remember the moments after leaving your dentist after surgery, while you’re still anaesthetised: touch your lips, for example, and you know they’re there, you know they’re made of flesh and skin, but you simply don’t feel them because the anesthesia is still active. But you still know they’re your lips, part of you. This is pretty much what you feel with the Amoena breastforms, and I can tell you that no other breastform ever felt like this before!

Unlike the older technologies, the Amoena breastforms are temperature-controlled (that means they won’t become too hot or too cold), the adhesive properties will deal with sweating effectively, and they don’t have a glossy, unnatural finish. In fact, the outer shell is made of a very soft, silky material, with a matte finish, that feels just like smooth skin. It’s not “smooth” in the sense that “fantasy” breastforms are smooth (all of them are!), but smooth like skin is smooth: you can feel the very soft and delicate texture, just like real skin. I can tell you that it’s powerfully arousing!!

And finally, the whole “package” just sits into a bra in a way that I cannot describe with any other word than “perfect”. I can’t exactly say why it fits so well. I can only say that with some bras, there are some areas that are never closely “fit” with my other breastforms. You won’t notice it on the pictures or videos, of course, but I know they’re not a perfect, flawless match — although obviously some bras fit better than others. That’s why in some cases I apply some surgical tape to make sure the forms don’t overextend the bra’s borders and show up on unexpected places (and also a reason why I like the pocketbras, although some required some clever sewing to make sure the breastforms remained inside where I wanted them).

The Amoena breastforms behave quite differently. They fill the space inside naturally, fitting smugly in every nook and crevice they’re supposed to fit in. I’ve also bought a new bra, specially designed by Amoena for best results: let me tell you, I could model lingerie in that! None of the genetic girls I’ve known in the past have ever had such perfectly fitted breasts inside their own bras. And the results are incredibly realistic; as a matter of fact, I thought they were too realistic: most genetic women will never have such perfect breasts, unless they go through surgery… and note that by “perfect” I don’t mean the size (which is what most guys would immediately think!), but the shape, which falls so naturally… to be honest, I don’t think I could get a better result with surgically implanted breasts (!), but perhaps I was just excited and overestimating the final result, and, in time, I’ll start noticing all the tiny flaws… on the other hand, remember that I was in “male mode”, and even so, they looked perfect to me. I can’t wait until I have an opportunity to really use them inside a dress

Removing the breastforms is also completely painless — what a difference compared to the glue or even the “Band-Aid” types! You just pinch them at the bottom, and peel them off, from the top downwards. It’s not painless at all — it feels like removing a thoroughly soaked Band-Aid, where you feel some resistance, but it doesn’t really hurt your skin at all. In fact, after having them removed, I was actually surprised that the adhesive properties would work so well at all, considering that the removal is so simple and so painless!

Well, I had to say that I was far, far more impressed than I thought I’d be… but I still got a pleasant surprise at the end. As said, I had seen the prices for the Amoena forms on US and UK sites, and they were among the most expensive I’ve ever seen. Apparently this is not the case! Even though I got a very good discount for buying a pair (and not just one!), medical-grade products are taxed in Portugal with just 6% VAT (as opposed to the usual 21%). But even so the base price is far, far lower than what is quoted on the websites: the pair I got, which — remember! — is the highest-expensive model that Amoena manufactures, came out way under €300 — and that including two cleaning kits, a pair of attachable nipples, and a bra. I was expecting to pay more than twice that, based on what I saw on the sites, and knowing that usually these “luxury items” in Portugal get a lot of expensive taxes on top of them. But no. As a matter of fact, for the kind of quality I wanted, these were the cheapest forms I ever saw… which was really surprising!!

And at the end I got a non-descript paper bag to bring the breastforms back home with me. They are in unmarked boxes. All very discreet: they don’t even need you to give your real name, the invoices are not exactly clear about what you’ve bought (but clear enough for tax purposes), and, at least in my country, they can just send them to your home if you don’t want to walk in the streets carrying the paper bag. Excellent and discreet service!

The sales rep told me that they’re preparing the launch of a breastform line specifically targeted for crossdressers. It will use a different site, it’ll have different packaging, and be differently targeted (e.g. the forms will include nipples, to compete with what is more usual with the “fantasy” brands). I’m curious to see what they will come up with.

In the mean time, I hope you don’t think this is just merely propaganda; that’s not my intention (nooo I don’t get commissions, lol). I had a great shopping experience and I’m just excited about sharing it with you!