I know how it is. It's also a tough decision for me: for medical reasons, I'm part of a high risk group for taking hormones: I've got a heart condition, chronically high blood pressure, and possibly a tendency to forming blood clumps — all inherited from my dear father 🙂 Hormones are definitely a no-no on those situations, although if I really, really wanted them, I could take them under very strict medical supervision, but one has to evaluate all the risks in doing so… so, well, I fully understand your position.

Nevertheless, I think that this doesn't stop Emily from coming out! Hormones is just a tiny part of the package, it all happens in the mind anyway. So, even without hormones, why the 'limbo'? You can most certainly enjoy being Emily even without that — that's certainly my case hehe.

Also note that unless you're really very young (pre-teen), hormones won't make miracles on your overall appearance. Sure, you'll get a bit better skin, there will certainly a thinning of the body hair (and the remaining hair on the top of the head will perhaps not fall down!), and some fat distribution towards the hips. You'll also gain some fat 🙂 and probably be introduced to the lovely world of cellulite 🙂 And sure, I know that one of the reasons people think about hormones is the ability to grow one's own breasts, but there might be a lot of disappointment along that route as well. For instance, in my case, I would probably get no real development — on both sides of my family, no woman has large breasts except one aunt (but her own daughter is as flat-chested as I am).

At the end of the day, even if you wish to go ahead without hormones, the amazing world of medical & cosmetic science has lots of answers:

– Large breasts? Just get silicone implants. 🙂
– Better skin? That's just a question of using some good cosmetics, and some regular maintenance on a salon. There are plenty of methods to keep the skin healthy, soft, and young 🙂
– Getting rid of body hair? Laser hair removal, baby. And some electrolysis on the trouble spots. I'm starting on laser right now, we'll see how it goes. Sure, it might take longer and be more expensive than hormones, but, at the end of the day, you'll get far better results — or genetic women wouldn't need LHR 🙂
– Getting more hair on top of the head? Well, there is no 'cure' for male baldness, but there are human hair extensions which look perfect — 'Great Lengths' is a popular brand around here, which is used by almost all top salons. There are plenty more, and the result is having the kind of hair that every woman would dream about, and that doesn't feel like a wig (it gets chemically bonded to your real hair). Yes, it's expensive, but if it didn't have amazing results, women wouldn't be using it 🙂
– Better 'feminine' fat distribution? Well, here is where it can get a bit complicated. I guess that also means surgery (like with breast implants). It's achievable, though.

All the without mood swings and any side-effects from hormone therapy 🙂

My whole point is that hormones are not the 'only' solution if you wish to go ahead. There is plenty you can do. Even if you don't wish to go full time as a woman (at least not for a while), there is really a lot you can do! Laser hair removal is fine for males, and so are all skin treatments, eyebrow shaping, fingernails and toenails (yeppers, I do all of those). Breasts and hips are a problem, obviously 🙂 There are, however, a few CDs who go even that way — using loose clothes and avoiding the beach and swimming pools 🙂 I can imagine that they might continue to do most of their work without anybody suspecting, because I'm fond of wearing some of my padding at the office and in other public places, and if the clothes are sufficiently loose, nobody will notice (it's far easier doing that during the winter, though). Sure, you will look sloppy — forget tight-fitting, elegant Italian-cut suits — but who cares about how you look as a male, anyway??

My whole point is that it's really possible to go ahead with lots of cosmetic and surgical changes to your body without taking hormones. It'll be expensive, and take more time in some cases (in others, much less time!), but it certainly is possible. And even if you just wish to do unnoticeable changes (e.g. getting rid of hair, getting a better skin and nails) you can do all that without hormones, and you can do it now.

Just enjoy being Emily. Don't put her on hold. Get out of the limbo 🙂

been doing serious soul searching last couple weeks, that's why i haven't responded- anyway i decided not to take hormones, where this leaves me is in a kind of limbo as emily is concerned, and the book i am writing, so how are you? chow as always- emily

Aww. sorry to hear that!

I can totally understand you as well, though. I'm also technically unemployed, and so is my wife; the only reason we managed to go on vacation was that my mother-in-law was so generous about giving us some vouchers for a nice place to stay, which she didn't use… or else, we'd stay at home like we have been doing in the past decade…

your last session or video was hot! anyway, i would like to say that i am doing a lot of research and writing a book at the moment, could i use you as a reliable source for future quotes in my manuscript, some of the things say darling are so amazing. chow- your friend, emily.

hey sandra, my hero on the net! you are an angel to me, someone who does what i've longed to do my whole life- anyways i justsigned up last week at the pride center for "the transgender program", for counciling and am in the process in filling out all the paperwork to become a patient, with my health coverage, i can recieve hormome therapy free! anyway, i love hearing from you and hope your wife is doing well. chow for now or in spanish, they say that right? well see ya emily.

Strange how you're not the first person recommending the same thing, Emily… somehow, I got a "lecture" from a friend over a chat who told me pretty much the same: stay away from psychologists, all they wish is to get people through transition, and won't care to listen to anything else.

Well, perhaps I should follow your advice.

As for my spiritual advisor, even assuming he was familiar with transgender issues, all he would say is that ultimately our 'self' is just a mental construct that we create, and 'feminine' or 'masculine' are nothing more than labels that we stick to ourselves. By closely examining, we will find out that there is nothing there which is intrinsically 'feminine' or 'masculine'. We're deluded in believing that there is 'something else', but that's just a myth. My task, thus, is to observe closely how all these crazy ideas just happen to emerge in my mind, how they're just thoughts that come and go, and give less importance to them. I know that's what I should be doing 🙂 I also happen to know how hard it is!!